Strong relationships are key to healthy work culture and team collaboration. The true test of a strong relationship isn’t how well you collaborate or how much you like each other; it’s how well you navigate conflict, bounce back from setbacks, and repair your relationship after miscommunication.
Some conflict is inevitable—especially during times of stress, pressure, and uncertainty—but disagreement and missteps don’t have to be devastating. In fact, getting through conflict can make your working relationship stronger. This is all part of building an effective feedback culture.
But how do you do it?
It starts with talking to each other, of course. We have a tool that can help you prepare: the reset conversation.
Use the worksheet below to prepare for your reset conversation, and sign up for Giving Feedback or Managing Up and Sideways, to get practical training you can use right away.
The Reset Conversation
A reset conversation is a tool for feedback between teammates, designed to strengthen connection, understanding, and collaboration.
A reset is a chance to clear the air, get realigned, and start fresh. If you’ve ever fixed a tech issue by turning the thing off and on again, a relationship reset is kinda like that, but you both power down so you can reboot. It won’t work in every situation*—and we know it’s rarely that simple—but a restart can do wonders.
Invite your colleague to have a reset conversation and share a clear purpose. This could look like:
- “I think we’ve had some misses in our recent communication. I have some feedback for you and I think you probably do for me as well. Can we talk it out in a check-in?”
- “The way you talked about XYZ in that meeting didn’t match my experience or understanding. Can we take a walk this week and check in to make sure we’re on the same page?”
- “We’ve had some hard moments in our collaboration lately. Can we have a reset conversation?”
*Important note: a reset conversation isn’t sufficient for conflicts rooted in serious grievances, like harassment or discrimination.
Components of an Effective Reset Conversation
Here are a few things that help make a reset conversation effective.
Appreciation
Share what you appreciate about them. At the very least, appreciate that they’re taking the time to talk to you. Time is precious, and making time to work on your relationship is a sign of care and investment.
Example: “Thank you for making the time to have this conversation with me. I also appreciate that you always bring a spirit of collaboration and openness to our work together.”
Validation
Validate their feelings and experience. Remember that you can both acknowledge their perspective while holding a different perspective.
Example: “I hear that you sometimes feel like I’m being dismissive of your ideas. When I ask questions, it sounds like I’m expressing skepticism, rather than curiosity.”
Common ground
In conflict, it can be easy to fixate on where you’re misaligned and (the cause of the tension or friction). But finding common ground helps remind you that you’re on the same team and that you have a shared purpose, one of the key components to healthy relationships. These commonalities could be shared values, purpose, context, and even frustrations.
Example: “We’re both working really hard to do ambitious work with not a lot of resources. I know we have each felt like our areas of work are underappreciated.“
Accountability
Own what you could have done differently. Express remorse when appropriate. Remember: you can be genuinely sorry without taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings!
Example: “I’m really sorry that you felt disrespected by my reaction. I could have communicated better.”
Your perspective
Share your feelings and how you experienced the interaction(s) or conflict. Stick with “I” statements and avoid making statements that assume the other person’s intent or feelings.
Example: “Sometimes, when you share your ideas, it seems like you’re delegating something to me rather than asking for my input. When that happens, I feel like my expertise doesn’t matter.”
Asks and proposals
Make requests if there are things you’d like the other person to do differently. Offer potential solutions that could help you avoid or address conflict in the future.
Example: “Next time you have an idea about something my team could do differently, can you lead with the problem you’re trying to solve?“
The Reset Conversation Worksheet
With some preparation, it’s possible to repair a breakdown. Use the worksheet below to prepare for your next reset conversation. You might even share this tool with your colleague so that they can prepare too!
If you’re a manager, read The Four Elements of Strong Relationships and sign up to gain practical skills for Building a Healthy Team Culture.
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